"why do we fall, sir? so that we might learn to pick ourselves up." "you still haven't given up on me?" "never."


fandom blog: I AM A BIOTIC GOD
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I hate you.

Good God, do I hate you. I was fine when you weren’t here. When you weren’t a father, or trying to be what little of one you have half a brain to be. I was fine when you were nothing but pixels on a screen that didn’t bother me because you were too ignorant of your duties as a father to care.

And then you came to her birthday party.

Let me make a note. I spent MY money to make her birthday special. My bond-mate Zack spent HIS money to make her birthday special. What did you do? You brought someone I thought was a friend and you brought her a teddy bear and a toy, took some pictures, made out with said friend, and called it good. In front of me. In front of my parents. In front of my daughter.

Let me repeat myself.


Yes, mine. As in not yours. And she will never be yours for one reason; I have been both mother and father. And she has a father now. One who loves her, even though he’s so far away. One who would do anything for her, more than a teddy bear.

Most of all, I hate myself for hating you for trying.

Zack is coming in a couple months. I’m really excited to see him! Hopefully we get to do lots of fun things while he’s here. Aside from that, I’m planning a whole bunch of tats. In order of what I’m going to get:

1. N7 armor tat (logo on right breast, fading stripes on right arm)

2. White tulip (middle of back?)

3. Spectre and Turian Hierarchy logos (left arm)

4. Scaevolius logo (base of the back of neck)

Pretty excited to start saving up for those, because I’m really ready to start having my own tattoos. Might be a little bit, since loans decided that I have the ability to pay them off (which isn’t too bad of a payment at current). 

We need more baby pictures. I’ll throw some stuff up tomorrow.

Dear Mumblrs,

As long as my child is happy, healthy, and loved, who are you to tell me or any other mother that the way we raise our children is incorrect? It’s not and I’m getting sick of self-righteous mothers on Tumblr thinking that they all of a sudden because Goddess of Raising Children just because they read something on the internet.

If you don’t like how something is done, don’t do it, but don’t criticize the rest of us if we do.

In order to be angry, I’ve learned that we have to sacrifice the chance for being happy. For so long, I held such resentment toward Liana’s father. I hated him for skipping out. I hated that he got to continue his life and I had to completely remake mine. I hated that he didn’t have to wake up in the middle of the night or feed her in the middle of the day or deal with the baby blues and the inability to breast feed no matter how hard I tried or how many specialists and doctors I saw. I held onto that and relished in it, letting it mold me into a very cruel and very hateful person.

If there is one thing that I have learned, however, it is that forgiveness is the most amazing and most powerful thing that a person can do. I do not forget what he did, nor do I forget how I felt. But I forgive him for it, because he is human and I am human and we all make mistakes. And because I have forgiven him, I get to experience the most amazing thing: bliss.

If there’s anything to take away, it’s to stop being angry. At everything, at everyone. Take a moment, take a breath. Forgive the people you are angry at. Forgive the people you hate. Let it go, let it die, and let yourself move on.

This is the look she gets when Zack’s on speaker phone and I won’t let her have the phone to talk to him.

I can’t wait for winter (hopefully winter?). That cutie Scottish boy of mine will hopefully find himself my way around then and I’m really excited for that! And yes, like the over hopeful, overjoyed dork that I am, I have begun to plot certain activities which are awesome in Colorado at certain times of the year (like skiing). 

Sometimes, I feel really guilty being happy with Zack. I was happy with Dan in the beginning, but it was never as fun with him as it has been with Zack. It feels a little more laid back. I don’t feel pressure from people. Back with Dan, I felt pressure to be a perfect petal because I was already pregnant. There was also religious pressure from Dan himself, even though I’m really comfortable with how I believe. Zack is the opposite. The only pressure I feel is in impressing his parents as an American single mother, but he’s assured me that, while it would be nice to have a positive reaction, it’s not enough to tell me away.

Speaking of cute foreign boys visiting, Daniel is coming to the US in September! It’d be awesome if he came to Colorado and said hi, but hey, no pressure (HAHA GET IT). Also got to talk to him quite a bit recently, which is really marvelous since we haven’t talked much in the last couple of months. I forgot how great talking to him could be.

We need more baby stuff on this blog, don’t we? Tomorrow! Just know that Liana’s cutting FOUR teeth.. or is it five? Something like that. I have lots of pictures and video to upload, too. (:

On Facebook, someone said that women should stop trying to be like men/we should stop teaching our daughters to be like men and instead teach them to be nurturing because that’s where their power lies.

Maybe I’m just an odd, odd person, but can’t I be both masculine and feminine? I consider myself strong, bold, and as a single mom, I’m definitely the one who works, who dishes out the discipline.. my mother was the same way when she raised us. But I’m also motherly, nurturing, forgiving.. can these not be traits of everyone instead of being gender specific? 

A man replied that:

Women are nurturers and caregivers men are the workers and disciplinary figures. Sorry if it offends but I didn’t design it.

This may be phrased sweetly, but it just seems so rude to me. I am a single, working mom to a gorgeous, adventurous, and intelligent baby girl and I’ll be damned if I’m going to raise her with the thought that she needs to have a man around because she can’t be “nurturing AND disciplinary”. She will be taught that women can be bold while still being beautiful, that strength comes from passion and the fire that drives her and that she should never give it up. I do not need a man to help me raise my daughter, to give her discipline, to work because ‘women belong at home’.

Now, normally, the feminism front scares me (and that comes from the fact that the publicity the bad ones get, admittedly, lets me overlook what real feminism is), but this is ridiculous. I firmly believe in God and I firmly believe even God is shaking his head and wondering how he could’ve possible made someone so sexist and redundant.

Thank you, random man on Facebook. I am now officially a feminist.
















hey U.S. moms, just curious, we live in California, what states do y’all live in?


Colorado, Denver to be exact



North Carolina!




Indiana :)






Colorado represent.

(Source: becomingrayna)

Bad days..

They suck! Really, truly suck, especially when you get yelled at. I think the part that hurt the most was that he was yelling at my manager and I probably could’ve prevented it happening if I had just turned my head. I felt super guilty. Luckily, my manager said I had nothing to be guilty for and to just shrug it off.

But bad days used to put me in a sour mood. The day went downhill from there and know my back and my knee hurt really badly. I’m frustrated and upset, mostly at myself, but I still feel spectacular. I have a lot to be happy about!


Moms on tumblr are scary! There’s a couple on here I get on well with, but a lot of drama has suddenly happened. I feel like such a jerk, but I don’t want any drama on my dash, so I unfollowed a lot of mumblrs to avoid it.

Don’t we have enough drama in our lives? A lot of us are young moms and dealing with a lot. Shouldn’t we be kind to each other here? I know we all need the support! We should all work on being one of the most amazing mom support groups on the internet rather than trying to alienate everyone else.

Your brother’s the one who wears his heart on his sleeve. That’s why I worry about you more. You don’t, and because of that, I think it’s the reason your heart is easier to break.


Can people stop telling me I’m cute?

It’s getting old, because I don’t feel that way. I feel fat, ugly, and disgusting. My brother is this thin bean pole and here I am, just massive and having my own pull of gravity. Every mother I follow seems to somehow shrink back down to her size 0 pant after giving birth and seriously what the fuck is wrong with me.

I’ve tried eating healthy. I’ve tried exercise. I just gain more weight. I’m tired of being so goddamn disgusting. I mean, I just.. I can’t even get a swimsuit because some skinny person is going to be like ‘ew look at how gross she is’ and that’s not going to make things better.

Thus, I’m banning myself from food. Obviously, I don’t need any freaking more. I just don’t know what else to do at this point.


Write blog post, all notes from the same person (but I love youuuu). Put up quote by boyfriend, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD LIKES IT.

Even on my tumblr, my boyfriend is more popular. What a butt.

You know..

I think with a lot of us, when we’re in a new relationship, we always think, “Oh, this is it!” The rest of us look at you and laugh, but we all do it. Is it so wrong, though? There’s nothing wrong, I think, with thinking, “Hey, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the last one I have to go through.” 

I thought Dan was it.. and one day, I woke up and realized he wasn’t. I wasn’t really bummed about it. I really felt nothing on the matter. It was just a realization, nothing more. And I think the same thing with Zackerias. “Oh, this could be it. This might be the last one.”

My mother makes fun of me, and I know why. I would do the same to me, too. Say, “Oh, he’s an ocean away, it’s not a real relationship.” Say, “You can’t be dating if you don’t actually go on dates.” 

No, but my world is different. Can you blame me for looking a little farther from home? Everything here reminds me of pain. Everything here reminds me of how I wasn’t strong enough to protect myself.

Is it wrong to want to be done with the soul searching? If this is it, it would be wonderful. You know what I think the best part about Zack is? He’s got a lot of good traits, sure. He’s tall, gorgeous, an absolute sweetheart, and he loves his sister like she was on a pedestal. Everyone sees that. Everyone knows it.

But I think the best part is that he doesn’t act like he’s high and mighty. He doesn’t try to fix me or change me and he’s okay that I’m broken because he is, too. And he is far better than those “perfect boys” I’m always with.